


136 Days

by adyinglight



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe, Angst, Doctor and River's daugher, Memory Loss, Original Characters - Freeform, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-29
Updated: 2012-11-28
Packaged: 2017-11-19 19:36:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/576883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adyinglight/pseuds/adyinglight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was rescued by her mother, father, and a friend from the Silence, but she does not remember her life before she was taken. The Doctor is her father, River Song is her mother... but she can't remember them at all, all she knows is pain. Ariadne attempts to piece together her life before the kidnapping, which includes the discovery of time travel and its merits, her relationship with her fiance, her impossibly young grandparents, and the fear that she still isn't safe from the Silence's mysterious plan...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awaken

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is the first fic I wrote for Doctor Who, original posted under this same penname on fanfiction.net. I wrote it pre-series 7A, so keep that in mind while reading. Hope you enjoy, and reviews make me smile!

I am on the edge of life. That's how they like it. I don't know who they are or where they're from, but this I know: they just keep me. Days like this, I welcome death. I am broken, a shell of the person I once was. They search me, search my mind and soul, but what they want is so guarded in there I can't even give them what they want. I can't remember. I just can't. I live and breathe. That is all. They don't need to feed me; I am in some sort of stasis cell that maintains my vitals but leaves me with only pain to keep me conscious. It hurts. So much.

They tell me of a Doctor, someone who hovers at the edge of my mind that I can't quite place. They want me to know about him, telling me terrible stories of the things he has done. I don't even listen anymore. They cannot make me believe anything these days; my mind has no capacity to be anything but in agony.

Today's method is still a mystery, but I am sure I can guess what it is. Last week they had a particular affinity for a certain hot poker. Just yesterday they had gone back to water, a favorite of two months back. I have been trapped for 136 days and can remember every single thing they have done to me; that is all I can remember. I can't see their faces anymore, can't see the walls around me or any escape. I just see the fire, the water, the dirt, the chains, sharp things scratching and clawing me until my skin hangs off me. Then the sick beauty of the stasis cell kicks in, closing me up, only leaving scars that look old and ruined.

If this Doctor is real, I am not sure if he is my friend or enemy. I have lost all recollection of my past; any life I may have had before this one has locked itself away inside my head. I know the past 136 days of consciousness, but nothing before. I function on instinct and survival, something I can't even do without the stasis these days. It is sad to think that there may be no one out there that cares enough to save me. This is why I beg for death: there may be no one coming. Ever.

Yet, today is different. My body tells me it is late in the day as I sense the people outside my cell are settling in for a nap. I should be getting my routine dose of adrenaline cocktail into my direct line chest tube, something the sadistic folks holding me invented so that I may never sleep, forced to be aware and conscious at all times. But that familiar burning in my chest as the chemicals enter never comes. Almost instantly my body begins to black out, as it is so used to routine that going one night without it may send me into endless hours of sleep-catch-up.

My cell door explodes with light. There is much noise around me, and I think I am supposed to move, but I am just so tired… I need to stay though, the stasis hasn't healed today's wounds…

Time passes slowly now. I fade in and out, vaguely conscious of something touching me, unfamiliar movements and smells entering my awareness. That awareness fades more, and for the first time in 136 days, I sleep.

i dream of three things: a man, a woman, and a boy. there are others there, but those are the most important. they do not have faces. they say strange words. there are things.

fire. water. dirt. metal. noise. burning. burning. burning.

STARS.

ever so many.

the boy. his name. not there.

the man. no name.

the woman. more than one name.

ticktockgoestheclockandalltoosoonyouandimust

wakeup

I am in an actual bed, and it smells clean. This is such a drastic change that I sit up immediately, then regret it. My head throbs. The man next to me shouts, "River! Frem! She's awake!" The words mean nothing to me except: awake. I am awake. I am alive, out of the stasis cell.

The man is almost crying, and he reaches out to gently touch my face and kiss my forehead. "What hurts?" He searches my eyes. "Just lie back down, the head rush will pass. You've been sleeping for five days, you're going to feel a little out of it, but no worries! You'll be back saving the universe in no time! We got you out as soon as we could." He swallows, closes his eyes. "I am so sorry, Ariadne. I will never forgive them for what they have done to you." A smile twitches out of the corner of his mouth. "I love you. So much. I'm so glad you're safe again."

Safe again would imply being safe before, but I can't remember a time when I have been safe. To my disappointment, I can still only remember those 136 days. But this man, this tearfully happy man in front of me is a stranger. "Who…," I try to speak, but speech other than tortured screaming feels strange, almost painful in my throat.

"It's okay, take it easy. I've given you something for your throat, you wore it out pretty good and had some sort of infection. The antibiotics took care of it, you're still recovering." That makes sense. It is comforting to know I am being taken care of then.

I try again, "Who… are… you?" I manage to get out without too much pain.

"What? Wait, nevermind, don't try to speak again. Did you ask me who I am?" He spoke in a frantic panic, pulling out a strange device that flashed green as he passed it over my head. "No. Please, no. Ariadne, please tell me you remember. Please! Don't do this to us." I am silent. He spins around once, clutching his head in his hands. He takes a deep breath with his back to me. "Ariadne…," he whispers, to himself I think.

"Is that my name?" I think it is. "Ariadne." It sounds right as it rolls off my tongue. "Yes, it is. I'm… I'm so sorry." It feels like the right thing to say, as he looks so terribly sad that I don't know him.

"Don't apologize to me Ariadne, never. This is all my fault entirely." I don't say anything to that. "I'm the Doctor," he says, and my eyes widen. He seems to want to say more, but pauses, catching the recognition in my eyes.

"They talked about you," I explain, "You… that was the only name I ever heard. The Doctor. They were trying to… to ask me things… but I couldn't… I didn't know who you were." I shuddered involuntarily. "They didn't believe me when I said I didn't know. Those were the water days…" No. I was not ready to talk about the pain yet, not while it was still fresh. My cheek felt wet and I realized I was crying. I reached up to feel the tears with wonder- I had not cried since day 54. That was when I just lost the capacity for it.

"It's my fault," he repeated, a mask of mute horror on his face. "They wanted you… well it seems at first they just wanted information. Because they're smarter this time around. They were timing it better." I didn't understand a word of his mutterings, but I felt like I would, if I could remember who I was before.

"Who are you though? I know you're the Doctor. But who are you to me?" I had a sinking suspicion of the answer, putting things together, and it made me feel that much worse for the poor man.

He smiled dryly, his old eyes reflecting many years of wise sadness. "I'm your father." I let out a small sob, trying to apologize but he stopped me. "It's not your fault, it's okay." He reached out to wipe the tears off my cheek, and I let him because he was my father, even if I didn't remember that or the fact that he looked nowhere near old enough to be. He leaned in to wrap his hands around my shoulders to give me a little squeeze, which was when I let out a small scream. hands coming towards me, holding me down by my shoulders, forcing me underwater, nails piercing my skin.

The Doctor jumped back, confused and concerned. It only took him a moment to understand. My mind was outside my body as I curled into a tight ball, crying and screaming, clawing at my shoulders to where hands would have been. "Oh no no no I'm sorry I didn't realize… It's okay, you're safe, it's only me… I know, I know it's hard. Ah, this is my fault I should have known you'd have some post-traumatic stress triggers…" I listened to him talk, letting the steady rhythm of his voice pull me back to reality, where I was safe and with my father, the Doctor.

I took a few deep breaths and opened my eyes again. He was nearby, but not too close, looking tentatively at me with worry. I shook my head to clear it and shakily sat back up. "Doctor," I began unsteadily, fighting for control over all my instincts, "Can you make me remember?" I wanted it so bad, anything to stop hurting the man in front of me who I didn't know, yet felt so much affection for.

He considered this, moving his eyes back and forth, calculating. "I don't know, Ariadne." He moved closer to me, slowly taking my hand. He met my eyes, boring into them so sincerely that I could almost feel his regret. "Are you sure you want to remember?"

"I remember everything about the past 136 days, Doctor. All the things they did to me, every word they ever said to me. That is my life right now. That is all I know. The only thing that can save me is my past, because I believe that there is more to my life than that neverending pain."

He nodded once. "I'll be right back. Do you think you're up for two more visitors?"

I wasn't actually sure, given how much effort it took to sit up straight and talk right now, but I nodded anyway. As he was leaving, I had a thought. "Hold on," I called to him, and he paused in the door frame and turned. "Where am I? I know I'm safe. But where?"

The Doctor smiled. "We are in the TARDIS. Time and Relative Dimension in Space. It's a space ship and a time machine. Right now, if you look out that window there, you can see your planet, Earth. We're in orbit." He said it as if he had said it a million times, but it sounded so impossible that it must be the truth.

With amazement, I twisted around in the bed to pull back the blue curtains of the small white room. There it was. Earth. I had heard them talk about Earth in relation to me, as my place of residence. I had never imagined it to be so beautiful. I was utterly speechless. I turned around to face the Doctor, to thank him for showing me, but he was gone.

I couldn't help but feel slightly off-put at being alone in this strange space ship, but I concentrated on the huge planet to calm me down as I waited for whoever was coming to visit.

Whatever happened from here, the only thing I wanted in this moment was to remember. When a woman and a younger man entered the room with that same sad look the Doctor had worn, I wished with everything that I had to recognize their faces, but I could not. The woman touched my hand, stroking it soothingly, holding back tears. "My name is River Song," she said, "I'm your mother. How are you feeling?" Mother…

All that pain, all that hopelessness… there really were people out there looking for me, caring about me. I just wish I knew who they were. "Hello," I said, smiling a little, flexing muscles in my face that felt sore and strange to use again. "I'm just a bit tired, that's all." It was hard to assess my injuries which, last time I checked should have gotten blood everywhere, when I had an obvious amount of painkillers in my system. The stuff wasn't really agreeing with me, and I felt a bit sick. River noticed the face I made and said, "Yes, that stuff is a bit hard on the stomach. Does wonders for headaches, though." She smiled and stroked my hair. "Listen," she started, looking into my eyes and I listened because I trusted her already. "I love you. I do. And I am so glad to have you home. I know you don't know me or know that this is home but… just know this, for now: You have been so very brave. I know it doesn't make up for everything you've gone through but I swear to you that you will never have to endure that again, Ariadne."

Too much. Too much. That, that… incarceration I lived through for months and months was brave? It was heroism? "I didn't feel very brave," I told her solemnly, staring right back at her numbly. "But thank you. Thank you all for saving me."


	2. Glass

I could handle this. I could deal. If I could get through the past 136 days as broken as I was, I can survive getting to know my family. Again, apparently. But the boy in the corner was throwing me off. River and the Doctor were my parents, that much was clear. I watched him for a bit, taking in his face which was a mask of blankness, staring at the planet out the window behind me. He was fairly tall and rather good-looking, I noted, pleased that I was still capable of that emotion. He had dark brown hair that stuck up at odd angles, framing a tired and pale face that obviously had not slept for a few days. There was something about him… I couldn't put my finger on it, but I could tell he was someone I should know. His face carried that same nagging feeling that the other's had: it was something in the corner of my eye, turning me away from my memories.

The room had been quiet as River asked the Doctor questions about how my health was, and the Doctor babbled away about complicated medical things and tests they still had to do and they worried aloud together. I didn't mind though, it was better that I could hear what kind of things were wrong with me rather than they try to hide them from me.

The boy kept trying to look at me, but couldn't seem to hold my gaze for more than a few seconds without having some sort of reaction. Finally, he came to sit next to me, taking my hand even more gingerly than River had. "Hello," he smiled sadly, "I suppose it's day one all over again, eh?" When I said nothing he sighed and continued, "Ah, Ariadne. I called you Ari most days." He laughed to himself at some private joke and ran his other hand through his hair. Then he broke, leaning to bury his face in my stomach-

The Doctor had grabbed him before his forehead met the thin gown covering me. "Best not. She's got a nasty wound there," he said softly, carefully. I hadn't felt it until the Doctor mentioned it but now that he had, I could feel it there. It wasn't painful, but I could feel the seam where my skin had been melded back together.

The boy sniffled and nodded, blinking quickly to compose himself. "Sorry. I just missed you so much. I know you don't know me, I do. But the you that knows me is in there somewhere-"

"This is me. There's not another person hidden away in my brain," I snapped half-heartedly, not enough fight in me to get truly irritated. It was true though. I felt like me, as complete as I could be right now, save the fact that my brain wasn't working right.

"It's me, Ari. It's Frem. Your fiancé." He was pleading for something, anything out of me. "Please, Ari." And then I felt bad for getting mildly irritated with him, because I could imagine that if I was in his position and someone forgot me, I would feel the same.

I dug into my mind, sifting and crunching through every day I had chronicled to find his name, his face, my marital status, anything. It just made my head hurt, a dull ache masked by the weird painkillers. "Frem," I tried out the name on my lips, but it was just another word to me. "I can't-," I winced as the headache seared. darkness. darkness. burning and thrashing and writhing and screaming NO! I forced myself to the present, concentrating on the feeling of Frem's hand in mine, the cushion beneath my head, the sheets covering my body, wrapping, constricting, and pain, so much. I let out a whimper, not enough energy in me to scream. It felt like a hand was wrapped around my heart, squeezing me, terrifying me.

"What is it? What's wrong?" He asked, demanded really. River and the Doctor had shifted further away from my bed, towards a machine on the wall, but I saw them both focus back to Frem and I as his tone grew tense. I looked up, losing sight of the kindness of these people and just felt afraid, threatened by their demure presences. I curled into myself again, ignoring the protests of my wounds, wanting to be alone again yet not wanting to all at the same time.

No one touched me. Probably a good thing, as I felt like an unpinned grenade. I could hear them whispering but could not quite make out words.

I don't want to live like this- to always be afraid of something setting me off. They were cautious, but they could only guess at the "right way" to act with me. I was sure that I was changed; the Ariadne they knew was erased, leaving her shell behind.

I waved them away when they drew closer, just needing to catch my breath. Still, they stayed, all three gathered around my bed, checking tubes and wires and things. Something still felt off, but I ignored it, wanting to get something out. "I really, really wish I could remember you," I said, looking at Frem mostly, as he was still teary, "I am trying. I promise. I'll work as hard as I can, I just- Oh!" I realized what was putting me off- no feeding tube!

It was a very strange feeling. I wasn't certain about the exact science of it, but there had been a line going directly into my intestines to feed me. I didn't understand why they didn't just feed me through a conventional IV, but then again there were more important chemicals going into my IV at the time.

Wincing, I reached underneath my clothes to feel for the mark where it had been hooked up to me. I felt around on the new patterns on my skin, puckered and twisted lines so that it was impossible to tell which one came first. "How did you get me out with all that hooked up to me?" I whispered, still a little shocked by the way my stomach felt.

They all exchanged a look. Frem sighed, "Would you like to hear your rescue story Ariadne? Do you think you can handle that part of your past?" He sounded stronger, more sure of himself, so I nodded. "It took us… longer than we planned to track you down. We've dealt with The Silence before-"

"The Silence?" I interrupted, already confused.

"The creatures that… took you are called The Silence. You can only remember them while you're looking at them, so no one knows what they look like. I can explain more later, when you're ready," the Doctor interjected quickly.

Frem nodded. "Anyway, once we determined your location there was a matter of getting in. The TARDIS can only be inconspicuous for so long; the teleport sets off alarms and such. We had a few friends with us to hold off The Silence and their "servants" while we searched. Making a very long and stressful story short, I found you, dragged you out and into the TARDIS. I went a little… mad… when I saw you so I kind of just ripped you out from all that stuff you were hooked up to. Sorry about that." He paused, running his hand through his hair again, editing. I could only guess at what he cut out, but it probably involved screaming and blood. "Yeah but it took you about five days to sleep that off. Your body had to detox from stasis and all the crap they had you on plus you had a few surgical things, courtesy of the Doctor. Nothing major, just… repair. And now you're awake. The end," he finished uncertainly, looking at the Doctor and River, who both were watching my reaction.

"I want to know more details," I decided. "Don't spare me the gore. I'm quite used to it by now." If anything, I could verify that my memory of the 136 days was as accurate as I feared based on the injuries the identified.

Frem shook his head and looked to the Doctor, who looked at River expectantly. She rolled her eyes at him. "What details do you want, Ariadne? I don't want to give you any more stress than you already have." Her eyes were kind and patient as she sat on the foot of my bed.

I thought about that. I had no idea what might trigger another episode. But I needed to know how I was. I knew I was bad, that much I could remember and feel, physically and mentally. If there was any lasting damage, I would find out about it eventually, so might as well ask. "What exactly went bad… physically," I decided that was safe enough.

River spoke almost mechanically, rattling off facts: "The stasis cell was mostly crudely healing everything, but when Frem pulled you out there were still a few things it hadn't fixed. Hairline skull fracture, three splintered ribs which caused some internal bleeding, damage to the tissue in your larynx, and several second degree burns. Once we got you into the TARDIS's medical room the Doctor was able to close you up and force you to sleep for a few days, since it would not have been pleasant to be awake for that kind of detox. You were being fed so many different things that timelords aren't supposed to ever be exposed to…," she had to cut off, overcome.

"Yes. Yes, I remember those injuries. It was a metal day," I mused thoughtfully, not revisiting the memory, just acknowledging it. Thankfully no one asked what a metal day meant, so I figured I would continue. "That word, timelord. What does it mean? I heard them-The Silence- say that too, but I never understood what it meant."

"A timelord is a species, a race. It's what I am. It's what you are, mostly, and your mother," the Doctor explained. "There's more to it than that but… not important right now."

"The other part of you is human, in case you're wondering," Frem added in a brisk tone, "Like me. From Earth." I nodded, pretending to understand. I know there will be time for explaining and learning later.

"So do I live here?" I thought it was a good place to start, all things considered.

"Most of the time," River said, happy to be talking about something that wasn't so painful, "You and Frem would take trips sometimes, live on Earth a bit." Frem nodded, wearing a weird mix of a smile and a grimace on his tired face.

Then I remembered an important question, which felt really wrong not to know the answer to but there it was, all the same. "How old am I?" The look on Frem's face was getting more twisted, but I tried to ignore it.

"You just missed your twenty-second birthday," River stated calmly.

"Wait, hold on. Frem's my fiancé, yeah?" He nodded once, a smile flashing back. "When's the wedding?" I regretted the question as soon as I said it, but there it was, out in the open.

Frem laughed once, grinning with his eyes closed, probably remembering a happier time with me. The Doctor, who had moved to stand next to him, put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it once comfortingly. "It was, ah, yes, supposed to be last month. I mean, in relative time. Technically the date has been set on Earth, but, since we live in a time machine it hasn't been… postponed or anything. We just haven't travelled there yet," he said nervously.

I felt like screaming and crying all over again because he is a stranger to me. The way he looks at me, it is with recognition and love. The love radiates from him, and he is the only person in the room, but he takes up all the air and suddenly I feel like I can't breathe. I watch the Doctor stand, clap his hands together and babble something about rest, which I welcome. I know he senses me, maybe even in his mind, that I am done. He flips a switch and rummages around a bit, and then a pretty pink haze clouds my vision that allows me to sleep. The last thing I hear before I succumb is the Doctor's voice, whispering in my ear, "You won't dream." My eyelids flutter shut as I smile with faint gratitude. The monsters won't visit me in the darkness this time.

I don't want to be this. I don't want to be this fragile little hospital girl who leaves trails of glass as she walks so that no one can come near without getting hurt. In my mind, I know I am strong, or I once was. Strong enough to protect my mind from The Silence, at any rate. But that has been stripped from me as my 136 day long waking nightmare ends with a sharp rip of real, true sleep.


	3. Frem

And time passed. After a week I was well enough to leave that white room and explore the TARDIS, which I had been learning about. Together, my family (it feels strange calling them that) told me about my life. Nothing terribly specific about my past, but enough that I understood who I was and why The Silence may have wanted me. Of course, a lot of it was guesswork as I tried to settle into a comfortable life, but a sense of normalcy, a routine, is what helped me the most to work through… whatever I was working through. The Doctor made sure I took something every night to keep the nightmares away, but there were times that they broke through, leaving me at their mercy. River would slip in quietly and wake me up, sitting at the foot of my bed for the rest of the night, knowing that touching me would only make it worse. Those nights were when things really started to matter to me.

As much as I could understand, The Silence want to kill the Doctor, my father. He had a few theories on why, but the one he talked about the most was something about his name, his real name. Gallifreyan, the language that time had lost. He had told me of Gallifrey, the planet of the timelords, and what he had done, the burden he had borne for many years. He gave me knowledge of the whole universe, talked for hours as I soaked it all in. Every story he told me was filled with adventure, excitement, danger, and sometimes profound sadness. Donna Noble was evidently a household name, and he let me hear the Ood sing of her bravery and compassion while I wept for her unfair fate. He told me about Amy and Rory, my grandparents, and the Doctor's best friends, who we would visit as soon as I was "up to it."

From River, I learned of the Doctor. She would tell me the story of their lives together, their crossed and twisted time streams that tore them apart. She said that they had been "going linear" for a while now, just living in the TARDIS as she enjoyed her freedom from Stormcage. She whispered words of love with all the wisdom that I would expect a mother could share. River knew me, really understood me, and she shared with me just why that was. She was also taken by The Silence. They had not physically tortured her to the extent that they did with me, but she had suffered a lot mentally. She was brainwashed, molded into the perfect killer of the Doctor, but the first time she met him he had shown her just how much she would love him, and saved his life. She was controlled and sustained inside a spacesuit, trapped during her childhood by cold people and monsters. As days passed, River helped me better than the others because she knew my pain as well as being my own flesh and blood.

And then there was Frem. He was absolutely impossible some days; I would catch him sulking around, scribbling in a notebook, avoiding me one day then being overbearing the next. But I think that's what made me fond of him- he was so real, so human. He didn't know how to act around me, which was just as well since I didn't know how to act around him. But he was always there, giving me a smile when I needed one. We had taken to having breakfast together as I slowly gained back a sense of taste and what certain foods did to me.

The routine felt safe, natural even, yet I knew things were still not back to their normal way. Every so often I would say something and Frem would snap his head up and stare at me expectantly, as if my memory would magically appear. He gave me the determination I needed to try to recall memories. It seemed easier to talk about my past with him than with River and the Doctor because Frem is human. He has different instincts than the timelords do, different emotional capacity, and he wasn't always trying to get in my head because he wasn't that intuitive. The Doctor could become a presence in my mind, seeing my memories through my eyes, asking few and specific questions. Frem couldn't do that; he asked lots of questions, most of them not even important. He was trying to know me. Again.

One day, I asked him about me, about the Ariadne who was in love with him. I asked him about the last time he saw me before I disappeared. "What did you say to me? What was the last thing we did?"

He shook his head. "I don't like thinking about that day, Ari. Do you even know how The Silence got you away from me?" When I didn't answer he sighed and continued, wearing the look of a tired man. "We were on a pre-wedding trip. Nineteenth century Paris. We had only been there for two days; the Doctor had brought us there for a surprise. He does that when he wants some time with River. You wanted to leave our room; there was a street performer with fire causing a commotion down the street. He was throwing lit sticks in huge arches and circles in the air, and it lit up your face. We watched for a while, and you looked… so beautiful," he trailed off, reaching up to touch my face, his fingers just a whisper on my skin. I fought rising terror, swallowing it down and let him touch me. I could do it. "You still are," he said abruptly, dropping his hand and smiling. "On our way back to our place, everything became strange. We were out of breath, sweating, you were terrified. We got lost. It was so disorientating. Neither of us had a clue what was happening, just that we needed to run. But then I saw five black lines on your face. You know what that means?"

I nodded. The Silence crash course had been day 2 of recovery. "Well, I'm sure you can guess what happened next. It was so fast… One minute you were there with me, hand in mine. The next, you were gone, and I was on the ground, barely conscious. I still don't even know what exactly happened, but that's The Silence for you." He grimaced, and I watched the guilt and frustration wash over him. "I called The TARDIS, but it was too late. There was no trace."

"It's not your fault." I put my hand over his and squeezed.

"I know."

After a minute, he shook himself, getting it together. "Have you been to your room yet? Your real room, not that hospital place."

I hadn't. This surprised me. Despite the knowledge that I live here, I hadn't thought of something so personal. Frem led the way, navigating through the twisting corridors of the TARDIS with certainty. "It's right next to mine," he said, "Your dad wouldn't let us have one together." He seemed to regret saying it, but I laughed it away. Of course, I hadn't yet asked him about that part of our relationship. It was too much for me to know about my past at this point. River had told me just yesterday to be careful with Frem, saying that the subject would hit too close to home as he dealt with my memory loss.

Entering the room was disappointingly unfamiliar. I couldn't picture myself in here, reading or sleeping or anything. It was painted a sort of soft red color and had little silver patterns and markings in random areas in what I guessed to be Gallifreyan. There was a huge bookcase with more books in one place than seemed possible. Mini post-its labeled sections of the shelf: physics, evolutionary biology, planets, parallel universes… "Have I read all these?" I asked incredulously, gazing at the vast display.

"Yes. And all of mine too. I haven't even read half of my own collection, and they're not even science books." Frem sat in the desk chair, watching me. It occurred to me I had not only lost memories of people, but also I had lost knowledge. I told myself it was buried somewhere in my head, that I would be just as smart as I was before, but I wasn't too confident about it.

I walked around, twisting towards the opposite wall. It was covered with pictures. The first thing I noticed in them was me. The Ariadne in the photos looked so much more alive than me. I was tan, my chestnut hair had more shine, I actually filled out clothes (the Doctor told me I had lost 48.3 pounds during my captivity). The largest picture featured a little girl, who I assumed was me, on a beach, back to the camera. She was in a purple one-piece and stood out against the pale white sand. The water in the background was orange, and the picture was taken at the exact moment when the water hit her feet. She was just standing there, staring at it. "Why did I like this picture?" I asked Frem, needing an insight into the strange myriad of color.

"You said it reminded you of firsts. You're only three in that picture. According to your mom, it was your first time in the ocean. It's Space Florida, that's why it looks like that." He laughed, a secret memory behind his smile. "And this one," he pointed to another picture, "you took the first day we met."

It was Frem, a simple picture. Just him smiling. But then I looked closer and I realized it was so much more than that. He was standing in front of a city I didn't recognize, his back turned to the window on top of a tall building, probably. He was smiling and laughing, but his face looked… beautiful. There wasn't another way to describe it. "I asked you to take a picture of me in front of the city, as an excuse to talk to you. You were alone, just walking around. 'Killing time,' you said. We spent the rest of that day together. I showed you London, you had never seen it in my century before. At the end of the day it started to rain but you let me kiss you. Then- well, I always say you kidnapped me- but you showed me the TARDIS and introduced me to your parents and just about begged them to take me to New London, on New Earth. You and them were the strangest people I'd ever met… but I think that's why I stayed. That, and you were too hot to let go after one night."

I laughed. It felt right, coming out of my mouth. Frem could make me feel so happy, but so torn at the same time. I willed myself into London, trying to feel that rain, witness his first trip in the TARDIS. But it wasn't there. I stretched my mind, but I was grasping at smoke.

He noticed that I was tensed. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, "Was that too much? I don't want you to feel…"

"No," I said firmly, turning to face him. "You didn't do anything wrong. This is how things are going to get better. I have to keep trying to remember these things."

He still looked cautious. "I just don't want you to, you know, flip out on me or something."

I smiled. "I'll be alright. I'm… better with you. River's great, so is the Doctor, but you're… different."

"And that's good right?"

"Yeah."

We stared at each other for a moment, just looking. After a bit I gave up, turning back to the pictures. "Who are they?" I asked, pointing at a picture of a slightly younger me with a couple that didn't look too much older than I did.

"Your grandparents." He was still staring at me, but I didn't really mind, now that I understood what our relationship had been like.

"That's Amy and Rory?" He nodded. They looked so much different than I expected them to. Even so, I reasoned that they looked younger than most forty-somethings do.

Another picture caught my eye. I asked him, "And where was this picture taken?" I tried to do it casually, but I think I came off a little nervous because Frem laughed again.

"The day we got engaged."

"And where was that? On some far-off crazy planet with a jello ocean?" At this point, I'd believe anything. Truth was, the picture was the one where I looked the happiest in. Frem had his arm around me, face towards me, probably teasing me about something because I was laughing and had a hand on his chest, jokingly pushing him away. The Doctor was in the shot too, smiling proudly, hand reached out to someone out of the frame. I was about to ask why I like the picture but I knew: it was because it looked like an accident, a random moment suspended in time when everything was safe and sound.

"No, Ari. It was on Earth, in your grandparent's backyard. It was meant to be a surprise but I had forgotten that it's impossible to surprise you." He ran his fingers through his hair, looking back and forth at all the pictures fondly.

Everything happened very quickly then.

Not impossible… Every day was a surprise with my prison guards, even the methods they repeated never followed a pattern. I felt my breath come faster as I lost feeling in my hands and feet. My head ached as I began to dissolve into a painful memory.

"No," I whispered, collapsing onto the bed, willing myself into the present. "Not now." I felt so alone, companioned by my own consciousness screaming at me to flee but fixed onto the bed beneath me I couldn't even feel. I didn't even realize I was thrashing about until I forced my eyes open to escape the darkness.

I couldn't hold it off for long, I was silly for thinking I could. I still wasn't strong enough, and it was maddening. The terror, the insane fear was slowly consuming me, licking at my body like red flames, the same color as the walls of the room that was getting smaller and smaller.

"Hey, Ari," a voice came into focus, warm, soothing. The monster in me paused, inquisitive. "You know when I realized I loved you?" My concentration was going all over the place, to a million different places, painful and numb all at the same time, but I began to fight for that voice. The sound was like a hand pulling me out of the place, wherever I was.

"I watched you fight. I watched you save the world. And I saw how strong you are. You have so much life in you Ari, so much fight. And I told you, 'I love you,' just like that. Simplest thing in the world." I felt it receding, whatever it was that was taking over. It retreated, back into the darkness that terrified me so much. I yearned for the voice now, wanting it to take the final punch and bring me back. I was slowly moving towards the present, feeling the ghost of a world around me.

"And I know you don't love me right now. Hell, you barely know me. But I know you and I know, I believe that you are strong enough to get over whatever this is. Because the Ariadne I know, the Ariadne that you are too, is gonna be ready to kick some Silence ass when this is all over." I slowed my breathing, twitched my fingers, feeling again. I opened my eyes, marveling at the light.

I was me. "Frem." It no longer was just a word. It was a name, his name, a complicated and fantastic name. I still didn't know what it was yet, what I was feeling, but I needed him, needed the warmth his voice gave me to be real. I slowly sat up to find him sitting a foot away from me on the bed. There was a second where I looked at him, almost a warning, then I reached for him.

He put his arms around me, bringing my head under his chin and kissing the crown of my head. I was so small in his arms, but I did not feel that familiar constriction as his hard arms closed around me. I felt whole, complete. It was the most contact I'd had in memory that had felt so right.

Frem was right. With help, I really could get better.

"Thank you."


	4. Silence

I grew stronger, and I did it fast. I had not been able to leave the TARDIS yet; we had been in orbit around Earth and a few other harmless planets for however long I had been here. That was the beauty of freedom: I no longer counted the days. River took me through physical therapy, running with me on the TARDIS's treadmills (from Earth, circa 2160), setting me into a daily routine of exercise designed to get my muscles back on track. I had started to gain some weight finally, thanks to the Doctor's unbelievably good cooking. Some color came back into my skin, and my cheeks filled out. When I looked in the mirror, I was pleased with how healthy I looked now compared to my first week or two on the TARDIS. I had more and more energy, which also meant that I was able to sleep longer at night with only minimal help from the drugs.

I still didn't fit into any of my clothes though, which was frustrating sometimes. River would subtly hint to the Doctor about a shopping trip, but he kept saying that we would go when I was "well enough." I would try to tell him that I felt so much better, that I would be alright outside for a few hours, that it would be good for me. He would just smile and ruffle my hair. "In time, Ariadne. I only just got you back. Got to be safe now, don't we?"

He finally gave in, bringing River and I to a shopping mall close to my grandparent's house so that Amy could meet up with us. Frem apparently had "something to do" on Earth and the Doctor had no interest in shopping, so it had turned into a girl's day. I was a little nervous; as much as I could feel that River was my mother, I could tell it was hard for her to settle back into a normal life with me when I don't exactly know what normal is.

"First things first, we need to get some sugar into you," she said, "then we can get you some jeans that actually fit you. Got your jacket?" We were about to leave the TARDIS, something I was suddenly terrified of. I had grown used to its warm and friendly interior where, although I still didn't know my way around completely, it felt like a real home. River seemed nervous too, checking her pockets multiple times to make sure she had everything: key, money, gun, phone. "Ready, love?" The Doctor had mentioned River's affinity for guns, something that made me nervous, but I guess it was safer for her to have it in the long run.

I tried to smile encouragingly, but River saw right through me, as she always does. "Hey," she said, softening her voice and taking my hand, "What's wrong? If you don't want to go, we can come back another day. It's ok."

"No." I shook my head. "I want to do this. It's just… I don't know. After all this time, all the adjusting… I'm just scared, it's stupid." I looked down at the glass floor, focusing on something beneath it, not wanting to show weakness after all I've been doing to be strong again.

River gathers me into her arms, a short but meaningful embrace. "Never be afraid to tell me how you feel, Ari." I buried my face in her shoulder, needing her, needing my mother. She gently pulled back, taking my face in between her hands, meeting my eyes with compassion. "All of this, all that you're feeling, I get that. I really do. And it's hard. Every single day, for a long time, is going to be a struggle. But that's what makes us, those days when we go out and do something scary. The first time I met your father, I was supposed to kill him. You know the story. But he knew everything about me, knew me as the person I am today and that is what saved both of us. Look," she smoothed my hair back in a gesture she must have done a million times. "I know you. Whatever happens, you will always be my little girl, even when you don't know me."

I sniffled, feeling a wave of compassion wash over me. Of course River was this- the one person who could truly relate, use her own life to pull me out of uncertainty. Of course. Shaking my head once to clear it, I smiled with a bit more confidence. "Let's do it," I said, and stepped out of those strange blue doors into the real world.

I had never seen so many people in one place in my memories, so I was almost immediately dizzy with disorientation. But I didn't collapse into an episode, rather, I was fascinated. Humans everywhere, leading their lives, shopping. A whole civilization that had no idea who I was. It was a humbling feeling, since everyone I remembered knew everything about me. I had the urge to talk to these strangers, to find out what it's like to have a conversation with someone who knows nothing about me, people who could treat me like a random girl shopping with her mom.

River stood with me for as long as I felt like standing there, looking around. We were in a secluded corner, shielded by a tree, which I was confused as to why it was in an indoor shopping mall, but I digress. I turned to look back at the TARDIS, seeing for the first time what everyone meant when they said it was 'bigger on the inside.' "It's so small," I said is awe, resisting the urge to run inside and see if it was still the same way inside as before.

River chuckled at me. "Come on, love. Let's go meet your grandma." She put her arm around my shoulder and led me out into the open. We walked quickly through the busy center. I tried to soak it all in, listening to the gossip and arguments, smelling pretzels and coffee, touching benches and walls and people. It was a blissfully alive place. River wasn't looking around, she was watching me with a strange smile on her face. "Of all the people to be fascinated by a mall, it would be you," she said, shaking her head. I just smiled and continued on, remembering what Frem had said about firsts. Maybe that was my 'thing,' chasing first-time feelings. I knew there would be plenty of those to go around at this point.

She bought me a frozen yoghurt, I didn't even know what flavor, and watched me flip out over how strange and wonderful it tasted, the cold freezing my tongue and mouth. I had never felt so alive.

When we actually got to the shopping part, I was hesitant picking out clothes. I didn't really have a gauge of 'style,' not in the sense of what other people wore, but what past Ariadne would wear. River seemed to want me to figure it out on my own at first. "River," I told her, "Whatever I would wear… just tell me. Because I honestly just want things to be as normal as possible." And she went to work, a keen eye for my new size.

Amy still hadn't shown up, something that seemed to irritate River. We walked around as she tried to get a hold of her on the phone, but it was no use. A glimmer of sunshine floated in from the glass ceiling and I raised my head to feel its touch against my skin.

Everything changed in an instant. One moment, we were rounding a corner, aimlessly chatting. The next, we were halfway down the walkway, breathing heavily. Something wasn't right. River sensed it too and turned to me, looking afraid for the first time I had ever seen. Slowly, my hand trembling, I reached a hand up to her face, not wanting to see what I saw there. "River," I said, fighting to control the shake in my voice. "There are two black marks on your face." There was no time to look back; it would be too risky if we did, so we ran as fast as we could away from the creatures that apparently were behind us. She grabbed my hand as we ran, holding it so tight that I doubt I could even try to rip it away. Every single person in our way stared at us, confused and disorientated from the presence of The Silence in such an innocent, peaceful place.

We rounded another corner and River yanked me into a restroom at the last second. I collapsed against the wall, fighting to keep my breathing quiet and slow my racing pulse. "How… how are they here?" I got out, cursing myself for wanting to do this. I hadn't even thought that they would be out there, trying to take me back.

River shook her head. She was on the phone, urgently muttering into it. I assumed she was speaking with the Doctor, so I tried to calm down. He would get us out. She snapped the phone shut loudly and drew a gun out of her jacket pocket. "We're going to be alright, Ariadne. It's a short run back to the TARDIS and we're fine. The Doctor says there are two Silence right outside the TARDIS and have some sort of fix on it. I'll take care of them and we'll be on our way. But you've got to be tough, ok? I know you can fight, I've seen it." She sighed and shook her head, bracing her shoulder against the door. "I love you. Remember that," she said finally, then bolted out the door.

I followed her closely, keeping an eye out for The Silence or their accomplices. But how could I look for something when I didn't even know what it looked like? I hoped that the days I spent among them would give me a sense of where they were, if they were watching, but I couldn't be sure, couldn't trust my memories anymore. We ducked around another corner and had to stop abruptly.

It was a human servant, that much I was certain of. I had never seen him before, but he wore the weird metal eye-patches that they all do, and carried with him a feeling of hatred motivated by fear. These were the ones who had tortured me, who had laughed in my face as I silently endured in the stasis cell. "Well, well, well. Not one, but two part-timelords! Oh, they will be very happy with me," he laughed darkly, raising his gun at us. River was faster though, aiming her own gun without hesitation.

"Why do you need Ariadne?" River demanded, inching forward, finger resting on the trigger. "Not to kill the Doctor or she would have done it by now, yes? If you want to live, you'll tell me. Now." She scared me like this, all threats and violence. At the same time though, I knew this was her; she was in her element, running and fighting.

The man laughed. "It's not that easy, Melody Pond. Go ahead. Kill me. I've lived for this day, when someone will kill me out of fear."

"Ah but I won't kill you out of fear," River smiled, walking even closer to him. "I'll kill you out of hatred. For what you did to Ariadne."

A shot went off and the man collapsed instantly, but I looked down in confusion. It wasn't River who had fired.

"Well, run!" shouted the woman in front of us, her back already turned away and running. She was tall and skinny with red hair, who I could only assume was Amy Pond. I decided I would marvel about this later and continue running. Adrenaline pumped through my system, natural adrenaline, not that cocktail I used to be injected with, and, although I was running for my life, it felt kind of awesome. It made me feel like I could win, like I was going to make it to the TARDIS with my mom and grandmother, burning legs and sweat and all, leaving The Silence behind.

We rounded the last corner; I could just make out the fake tree we had landed behind. We must have seen the actual Silence because everything was fuzzy for a little bit; all of the sudden we were in the TARDIS, River and Amy's guns both smoking. The room shook as we took off, the Doctor yelling in a furious triumph as he flew us far, far away.

I sunk to the floor, the exhaustion finally catching up with me. I closed my eyes, running through the whole thing, identifying the memory holes and trying desperately to fill them. It was as useless as trying to remember my past. I kept trying though, until I heard the TARDIS come to a stop, when I snapped my eyes open and tried to stand up and find out what exactly had happened. The Doctor was by my side in an instant, helping me up. "How do you feel?" he asked me carefully, searching my face for some sign of trouble.

I shook my head. "I'm fine. I'm alright. How did they find me?" The only way to calm myself down would be to talk and listen.

The Doctor stood there for a moment, trying to see if it was really true. Finally, he gave me a quick hug, backing off before I could begin an episode, which would probably be inevitable at this point. "I'm so sorry, but I don't know. Might be something to do with the energy readings that go off when I land the TARDIS that tipped them off, might be something more complicated than that. It's my fault, it was so thick of me to take you here. Won't happen again." He was so sincere in his words that I felt like crying. The tears would come, it was just a matter of time. I wanted so desperately to be strong.

I swallowed them for the time being, turning to face River and Amy. They were watching me expectantly, but I just smiled at them, shaking my head. "So you're Amy?" I looked at my grandmother with interest. She looked just like she did in the pictures, kind and welcoming.

"That's right. It's been a while," she said with a smile, although she kept her distance. I must have looked a little deranged because everyone was staring at me with that expression they wore before I exploded with emotions. I felt like exploding, that much was true, but I was determined to hold it together until I was alone. "You look good," Amy acknowledged, glancing at my prominent weight loss/gain, whichever perspective you looked at it from.

"Thanks. So do you," I countered.

She laughed and walked over to give me an affectionate pat on the shoulder. "I missed you, kid," she whispered, winking at me before turning to the Doctor. "And you, Doctor. You can't just let me know you're visiting at the last minute. I've been watching this place for weeks for Silence activity. They've been tracking my mobile. You should know better than not stopping at my house first, you stupid-head."

And so the threat became much greater than any of us had realized. I listened as Amy recounted everything that she had seen, assuring him that she was being safe about it, well, as safe as someone like her could be. I tried to pay attention, aware that this pertained pretty much directly to me, but I felt disconnected, like I was missing a big piece of this puzzle. It was something more than my memories- it was something not there that I should know by now… I couldn't quite pin it down.

When we picked up Frem from wherever he was, he was in a bad mood, and it only got worse when he was told what had happened. I watched him fume wordlessly, trying to think of who would be the best person to put the blame on for this, but he gave up, running his fingers through his hair and sighing tiredly.

It had been my most eventful day yet, and I wasn't sure whether to feel exhilarated or even more terrified of the looming threat all around me. After some more tense conversation, I wandered to my room, took an extra dose of the drugs, and slept myself into oblivion.

Thankfully, I did not dream. I just drifted.


	5. Rememberance

I had been having psych sessions with the Doctor for a few weeks now. They aren't as formal as they sound; I would sit in the control room and answer his questions as he flitted around, piloting and researching on the console screen at the same time, performing scans and such. I tried not to grow tired with it, I really did, but I felt so useless when there were streaks when I didn't know anything he was talking about. I could tell it was a difficult adjustment for him too, as he attempted to speak in a way that I would understand.

"Doctor," I asked him, "Is it a reasonable thing to hope for, me getting my memory back?" I hadn't asked him out front yet; I was too afraid. Every single day I begged my brain to remember and went to bed tired and frustrated with it all.

He paused, hand over a lever, considering. In one swift movement he came over to me and took my hands, kissing me on my forehead with kindness. "Everything is reasonable to hope for, Ariadne. You will remember. You have to want to." His eyes burned into mine as he tried to reach out, make sure I understood what he was saying.

I smiled sourly. "I want it so badly, Doctor. I try so hard it drives me mad."

"It's all there, somewhere. It might just be sitting there, waiting for you to find it." I tried to think about memories that way, captive in my head, tortured as I was, locked away and waiting to be rescued. It just made me feel more hopeless. "Alright, so there's something we- timelords- can do, sort of see other people's memories, emotions, all of that and I don't know if it would work but I can try to tap into your earliest memories and work backwards, see if I can find anything. It might be painful, bringing up those thoughts, but if you're up for it I can try to-"

"Ok," I said firmly. I knew this day was coming. River and Frem had spoken of the telepathic communication the Doctor could use to sift through memories like pages of a book. I knew it was a long shot and I had a sinking suspicion that the memories weren't actually there, but I wanted to know so badly it couldn't stop me.

He looked at me, for the first time, with recognition. I could sense it- this was something I would do. Anything necessary for an end. "I… I would tell you that if there's anything you don't want me to see, just picture a door in front of it, but…"

"I understand." He nodded once and moved closer to me, raising his eyebrows in question. I closed my eyes to brace myself, felt his fingers touch my temples, and let myself be taken back through time.

Pictures filled my head, moving too fast for me to comprehend what was in them. I saw flashes of people, recognized the walls of the stasis cell I had come to fear in my nightmares. The first solid image I saw was of a large man wearing an eye patch approaching me. I knew what came next, but the Doctor moved on before I could shake my head in protest.

And then I was back to day 1. I could feel everything, my fear, my struggles, the fight I still had in me. I was being dragged by two men, kicking and screaming at the top of my lungs. Their grips didn't even slip one centimeter, they just walked forward. I was taken into a cold and dark room, tied hastily to a chair, and left. I must have sat there for hours, tearing at the straps with futility, rubbing my skin raw yet not quite feeling the pain. I suppose one of The Silence may have come in at some point, but obviously I had no idea what was going to happen to me.

I watched myself start to cry, calling out for help. I didn't remember anyone that I could call for; my memories had gone by then. Revisiting this memory was like going through it all over again, and I could barely feel the TARDIS floor beneath my feet; it was like I was floating, watching the scene unfold.

_Eventually, someone came in. I was not particularly afraid of her yet. I hated her, yes. But fear had turned into anxiety as I had no idea where I was or what had happened. Everyone was wearing weird eye patches that I could not remember the meaning of, and the woman began questioning me, testing the waters._

_"When is the last time you traveled in the TARDIS, Ariadne?" She had sneered at me, leaning to place her hands on a small table, watching me struggle._

_That question had stuck out to me the most. I had no idea what a TARDIS was, so I just sat there, defiant in my silence._

_"My dear, things are going to be very difficult around here for you if you can't answer our questions, so I suggest you think very hard about what you say next," she said, sickeningly sweet, advancing around to my side of the table._

_My heart began pounding. If this was the information they wanted, even if I had no idea what it was, then I couldn't give it to them. If I said I didn't know, I was sure that they wouldn't believe me. Too worried about revealing anything, I decided to say nothing, staring up at her unwaveringly._

My stomach started to feel sick. I knew what would happen next, what would continue for 136 more days. I couldn't relive this day though, the first one. It would take away all the progress I had been making, everything I had built here. I didn't want to watch the beating, the stripping, the confinement, and everything that came thereafter. The first day was the hardest to think about. I still had fire in me then, and that was the worst part to know; that I had fire, and it died. And I didn't want to watch.

"Doctor," I whispered, hoping he would hear, "I can't." A few tears escaped as I sat there, helpless.

He pulled away sharply, and the memory faded from view with a sigh. I closed my eyes, numbly searching for something blank to fill my mind. I felt a wave of shame as I cried like a child in front of my father, who had been simply trying to help me. "I'm sorry," I sniffed, opening my eyes to face him.

He watched me tenderly, with almost wonder. "No, Ari. It's my fault. All of it. I should never have…," he trailed off, running a hand through his hair. "There aren't words for how much I love you, I hope you know that. But I'm stupid sometimes, I lose sight of practicality. I leave you and Frem on a trip, because, why not? Why would anything bad ever happen to you?" He shook his head, scrunching up his face with frustration at the memory of it. "I just want you to know how much I want to resolve all of this for you. We've saved the world countless times, you and me. You were just seven one time, brave as ever, confronting the Shadow Proclamation about their ignorance to threats on Earth without even flinching. They were terrified of you." He laughed. "I taught you how to fly the TARDIS when you were just fourteen. You had so many plans before you disappeared, you and Frem. And you don't remember any of that and I want it back for you so you can live the life you wanted to live."

He smiled weakly and took my hands in his. "You've never regenerated. You have such a long life ahead of you. I want it to be what you wanted." The Doctor had never seemed so human to me, I thought as I leaned in, putting my forehead on his shoulder. I needed this, needed someone to tell me what I would have wanted. Because that was me, buried down somewhere. That strength, that bravery was slowly bubbling up, and I wished more than ever that it would drag my memories up with it.

"I want to try again. I know I'm not strong enough, but maybe, if I show you pieces I can take, I can do it," I told him. It was something I knew I needed to do. Facing that time is difficult, but it needs to be done, that much is clear.

"I don't want you to have to look at painful memories, Ariadne," he said hesitantly, finally understanding how hard this was going to be.

"I have to face them sometime, Doctor. I can't live in fear of them. It's not me."

He nodded once, and placed his fingers on my head again, pulling me in. It was different this time, though. I felt his mind nudge mine ahead, letting me lead the way. It was an odd feeling, this telepathic link. It was like dreaming, but someone was there with me, supporting me through. I passed over a lot of days, days I wasn't ready for. But there was one that was not so bad, that I think must have meant something, had some significance to what the Doctor was trying to find, since he pushed towards that one. I allowed him in, watching the scene play in front of me.

_"This game you're playing won't last forever, Ariadne. Whatever it is that you don't want to tell us, we'll get it eventually. And then we can finally get rid of you, you little parasite. All you do is sit there, waste our resources, take our food, space, chemicals. The masters will be so pleased with me when we get this sorted, my dear," the woman told me, tossing a hunk of bread through the hole of the stasis cell. I couldn't move fast enough to get to it and it landed in a small puddle of blood and water. I snatched it up and ate it quickly, with trembling hands. I had already been beaten today, and the woman's presence meant I probably was getting another one. She was the worst of them all._

_She clacked her heels, pacing about the outside room, rummaging through papers and technology. "You feel like talking today, sweetheart? I know my associate was already here today, but I felt like it was better if I came and visited, you know, woman to woman." She turned, leaned in to the window so I could see her face. "It's too bad there isn't another timelord out there we could mate with you. Such a waste. You could produce something truly useful," she scoffed, walking away again to sit in a chair across the room._

_It was days like these that I wished there was something I could say. I was so thoroughly broken that I didn't know myself anymore; only understood that I was here. Trapped. I wasn't strong enough to walk more than a few feet, as I had proved earlier that day, when a burly man had tried to get me to talk about timelords. Those goddamned timelords. Every day, they talked about them. The word tasted wrong in my mouth now; I had endured so much pain while hearing that word screamed at me._

_"Ah Ariadne. Sometimes I just come here to talk. But what do I get? Silence. It's rather therapeutic sometimes, don't you think? I could spend all night here, just you and me. Would you like that?" She laughed, watching me with an amused look on her face._

_"Go to hell," I spat blood out of my mouth half-heartedly. This woman was someone who, no matter how hard I tried, would always win. She knew exactly what to say, what to do to get to me, beating me mentally and physically._

_"Oh ho! Look at that. Defiance. Such a brave child, so much like those before you. Would you be so brave if you knew no one was coming for you? But how would you know that?" She laughed again, pulling her chair closer to the cell._

_No. With a last shred of emotion, I panicked. The only thing keeping me safe was the fact that they didn't know I actually couldn't answer their questions, that I had no idea what they talked about. If this woman found out, I would surely be useless to her._

_"That's right, darling. I know your little secret. You lost your memory, oh poor baby! That certainly won't keep you alive for very long, will it?" She watched me, looking for a flicker of fear, or a plea for mercy. But I was numb, unfeeling. If they killed me, wouldn't it just be another way to escape this… this shell of a life? "Hmm… don't worry, dear. We still need you. You're still special, isn't that a relief?" She opened the door of the cell, reaching in a hand to pat my head, which I couldn't raise up off the floor at the moment. "Just you wait. Once the technology is ready, we have loads of fun things in store for you. But," she paused, reaching into her pocket for an item I was sure would be the opposite of fun, "let's kill some time, shall we?"_

_All I heard was her harsh laughter as I shut my eyes, bracing myself._

I slammed a door shut so fast in front of the scene that the Doctor jumped back, breathing hard. I took a breath, shakily, flexing the muscles in my hands and feet, bringing me back to reality. I was sweating, and I felt like I was going to throw up, but I smiled triumphantly at the success of it all. I looked up to the Doctor, wanting to know if he had gotten anything useful out of it, but found him with confusion.

He was crying, honest to God crying. His hand covered his face, and it shook. And in that moment he looked older than I had ever seen him. It only took a moment for him to get it out, and he stood up straight, walking over to me and putting his arms around me, not too tightly. The constricting feeling sent me into a panic at first, but I calmed myself, telling my mind that it was the Doctor, my father. "I want to show you something," he whispered into my ear, leaning back and smiling at me.

I watched him flip around the controls, muttering to the TARDIS as he does. "I want to show you a planet, somewhere very beautiful. My friend Donna… she wanted to visit it before she lost her memory." He spun around, flipping two more switches and ringing a desk bell. "So did you."

I sat up in anticipation, leaning forward in my seat as I heard the now-familiar sound of the TARDIS landing. He looked at me, eyes which had been so lost before, now dancing with anticipation. "Come and look outside," he said, taking me gently by the hand and walking to the door. I paused, looking between the doors and the Doctor, wondering where we were and why it was important. "It's perfectly safe, I promise." And I believed him.

He pushed open the door and stepped with me out into the new world. "Fellspoon," he said, sweeping his arm in a dramatic gesture. I barely heard him.

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The grass was the greenest green, the sky the deepest violet, white clouds swirling in unreal patterns across it. And in the distance, there were grey mountains, swaying with the slightest breeze, moving lazily back and forth like waves. They would crest and fall, only standing straight up for the slightest moment before leaning another way. I could have watched them for hours.

I smiled, letting my arms spread wide, the breeze fluttering around me. Without taking my eyes off the mountains, I whispered to the Doctor, "Thank you."


	6. Picture

_Day 4: I can feel everything. My exposed flesh being sealed together by the stasis cell, just enough to be easily ripped apart again. My empty stomach, churning with starvation. The dryness of my mouth, dehydration and a healing concussion giving me a headache._

_Today is the day they put in the weird IV, right into my stomach. I watch in mute horror and pain as the tube dug into me. I watch chemicals drip down it, and I assume they are meant to feed me. Yet the pounding in my head never subsides, and I still feel a sickening emptiness in my stomach._

_I stare around the cell, waiting for someone to come and collect me for the day's events. It is bare: dark and empty save for a scrap of paper or two in the back corner, buried under scraps of raw meat that I will probably eat eventually._

_As soon as I hear a few playful knocks at the door, I know today is going to be worse than yesterday. I can smell burning and turn around to find a large man carrying a red-hot metal stick. "Here's something that that cell can't heal," he laughs, "Something to show you who you belong to now."_

_I realize what he is going to do to me, but too late to scramble away. He lunges toward me as I try to crawl backwards, searing my skin as I scream at the top of my lungs._

"Hey, hey, it's okay, I'm here. I've got you. Shh, Ari, you're safe," someone was murmuring to me, holding me, and it was all coming back to me. I screamed louder and shoved the person away fiercely, clawing and scratching until he was away, shifting to the far corner of the bed and breathing hard.

"Stay away, I'm warning you!" I hissed, peering through the darkness to see who it was. The figure didn't say anything, but I could hear it breathing. Wait. Wait. In a rush, I remembered. I'm on the TARDIS. I'm safe. It's Frem, he's come to see if I'm okay because he heard me screaming from next door. Oh. "Oh no, Frem. I'm so, so sorry," I got out, completely ashamed of myself.

He stood, moving over to me slowly, standing next to the bed and looking tentative. "No, it's my bad, I shouldn't have been touching you while you were asleep," he said, looking wounded in spite of the apology. "Sorry. You were screaming though, I wanted to help you." He met my eyes with caution. "I was worried." His eyes held the sincerest kindness, and I felt my body relax immediately as I gazed at him with remorse.

I smiled sadly. "Of course, yeah. Shouldn't flip out like that anymore." I took a few more deep breaths, reminding myself of the present, the feel of solidness beneath me. "Come here," I motioned to him, needing his touch now to pull me out. He looked hesitant, so I smiled encouragingly, "I'm okay, I swear. It's gone now. I'm back."

He leaned against the wall with me, one arm around my shoulder, the other resting against my knees, which were pulled up to my chest when I had shifted. I sighed into him, resting in his arms, enjoying his warmth. We sat like that for a while and every so often I would feel his lips brush against my hair or my temple, sending little electric shocks to my brain. After a while he spoke, murmuring it with tenderness: "Where were you?" The question was small to me, for I was everywhere and nowhere at the same time, trapped in between pain and remembrance.

"Day four," I whispered, not trusting my voice to come out normally above that level.

"Can you…," he paused, considering. "Do you want to talk about it?" He twisted his head to look at me, a careful question in his eyes, not unlike a small child stepping onto fresh ice.

I cleared my throat, unsure. If I was going to do it, it would mean thinking about it again, but I resolved myself. I could handle it. "A man came into the cell at the beginning of the day. He had a hot poker and… well, he branded me. The scar… well, I can't even tell what it is. But it's something that's gonna be with me forever." I lifted my shirt, exposing the place on my stomach where he had touched me. It was one of many scars, but it stuck out. It was whiter, puckered and raised up my skin more than the others did.

He listened to me and watched me, and in his own time, something resembling frustration flickered across his face. He met my eyes, searching them and then, finding what he wanted, slowly bent down to my stomach. I didn't even flinch as his lips pressed against the scar, gently lingering. He pulled back, brushing his fingertips against it as he pulled my shirt back down. He moved his hand to my face, leaning in to rest my forehead against his. His eyes were shut and squinted as he struggled to keep his voice steady. "I will never let them touch you again, Ariadne. Do you believe me?" I couldn't speak right away and he shuddered, pulling away to hold me again.

"I believe you. Always." I gave him a small smile and turned to look straight ahead at the wall across the room. Again, the first picture to catch my eye was the colorful Space Florida picture, and I could almost smell the sea breeze…

_There were birds flying in the sky, just like they would on Earth, and when I pointed it out mommy laughed at me. Daddy picked me up and put me on his shoulders and ran with me into the water as I screamed in delight. We stood out there for a long time and let the waves crash around us. Mommy made us get out after a while, putting more sunblock on me. She made me eat before I got back in the water, but by the time I ate the sandwich I wanted to build a sandcastle. Daddy and I made the biggest sandcastle ever on the beach, probably in the whole world. And when he and mommy asked me if I liked the ocean and the beach I told them it was the best day of my life. I fell asleep as daddy carried me back to the TARDIS, and he tucked me into bed after a long day of firsts._

It took a few moments for me to register what had happened, and when I realized it, I couldn't quite figure out how to react. It was like something had set off a reaction in my brain, and I suddenly remembered that entire day, my first time in the ocean on Space Florida. I remembered every detail, down to the way the grains of sand felt when they got stuck in my shoes at the end of the day. I remembered how the sandwiches tasted. I remembered the colors of everyone's swim suits.

I had no idea what to do with myself, I was so excited. I jumped up, running over to the photo, taking it off the wall and holding it up. "Frem!" I shouted, "I remember! I was looking at the picture, and I remembered the whole day! It just got in my head! I remember!" I jumped up and down, running back to him, hugging him tightly, almost knocking him back on the bed. "Yes! Frem," I slowed my breathing a little, trying to calm down, "Do you know what this means?"

He hugged me again, just as excited as I was now. "It's in there, Ari. All of it. It's the pictures, why didn't we try that before? Oh, you are brilliant!" He picked me up off the ground, swinging me around in a circle. I laughed, giddy with happiness. I wasn't crazy. I could do this, remember my past. There it was- a first step, real, tangible hope.

"What's all the shouting for, you- oh," the Doctor walked in, and upon seeing us hugging and jumping around in our pajamas, looked confused. "Should I come back later, then?"

I laughed, too happy to care. "Doctor. I remembered something." That got his attention. He straightened up, smiling in anticipation. "Space Florida." I turned around, grabbed the picture from Frem and handed it to the Doctor. "This entire day, I can remember it. I can smell the ocean, see those impossible birds, taste those salty sandwiches. Our sandcastle… it was the best, wasn't it? The best one we had ever made." My jaw almost hurt from smiling so much-I wasn't used to it.

His face softened at that, and for a moment it looked as if he would cry. "This is wonderful, Ariadne, really. And you're absolutely sure?" He was shaking, touching the picture in reminiscence.

"Absolutely. Just looking at the picture triggered it. It wasn't exactly a flashback, but all of the sudden a little memory was in my mind." I had never felt so pleased with myself.

"Well! This changes plans for the day entirely. Would you like to look at some photo albums all day or run some more stress therapy?" He asked, only half joking. He handed the picture back to me, and I rolled my eyes, walking to pin it back up on the wall.

"Let's get to work," I told him, looking from his face to Frem's face with determination. Today was going to be the day when I figured out a system for getting my memory back, I just knew it.

When River heard the news she couldn't stop smiling. She hugged me and told me how wonderful it was, laughing and hugging me many times. She dashed away in an instant, yelling something about her photo collection back towards us. The four of us set up at the kitchen table, boxes dragged out with more pictures than seemed possible. The Doctor flitted about, sorting.

"This box is all milestone things- first steps, first time you tried human school, first time you flew the TARDIS, engagement, et cetera. Second box is planets. Third one is with friends, people you've met all over the universe. There's plenty more but we can start with those, take it at your own pace, see if you think it's working." I saw his mind working faster than he could get out words, racing to calculate probabilities and outcomes. The numbers didn't matter to me. I knew that whatever happened was going to be entirely up to whether or not I really wanted this to happen.

Once, I had asked the Doctor what it would feel like to gain all my memory back at once. He got very quiet then, contemplating something unknown to me. "I've dealt with memory loss before, yes. But never have I watched that process reverse all at once. I don't expect it would be very pleasant." I had nodded once, trying to be mature about it but inside I wanted to scream. If this was something the Doctor had never seen before, well, I knew enough of him to know we should be growing desperate. He was so old and wise, had seen so much. It was a struggle to accept the unknown, but then again, I live with the unknown; it has become my closest friend.

When I sat down at the table to begin, I felt like a small child taking its first steps: tentative but curious. I tried to put on a calm and brave face for everyone, but it probably came out as a grimace because River reached out a hand to me. "It's going to be okay, Ariadne. Whatever happens, it won't change how much we all love and support you. Just take your time," she said, which surprisingly was exactly what I needed to hear.

I took a shaky breath and reached for the photo closest to me. I didn't even bother to look at the category, I just went for it. It was a picture of Amy and me, just standing together and smiling. She was wearing a pretty blue dress and boots, laughing as she draped an arm around me. I had on shorts and a pink shirt that I recognized from my wardrobe. I looked embarrassed, one arm around Amy's waist and the other on its way up to cover my face. I focused on the tiny details; the creases in my shirt, the scuff marks on the wall behind us, the unknown joke I was missing. After a minute I still had no idea what was happening in the picture so I set it aside, resolving myself to move on and try again.

I became intensely aware of the others watching me as if all of the sudden I was going to jump up and down again, yelling that I'd remembered something. I sighed, not having the heart to say anything right away but, after a few more pictures, it started to get just plain awkward. "You know," I started, trying to form a nice-sounding sentence out of the jumbled phrases in my head.

"Say no more, sweetie," River said kindly, reading my expression easily. "We'll let you be." I smiled at her with gratitude, affirming my appreciation of her as my mother.

I memorized every detail of every picture: the amount of stripes in River's dress in a picture of all of us at a parade, the drips on Frem's shirt from a melting ice cream cone bought at a fair of some sort, the expression on my young face as I rode on the back of a pitch-black horse. But none of them brought back anything. I was not disheartened; I knew this would happen. I could have hope, just not high expectations.

After two long hours, I decided I would bring the group back in to help me out. But just as I pushed myself up to go get them, I paused.

_Mommy is making something delicious-smelling in the kitchen; I can smell it from where I am waiting in the living room. I am trying to read an article about twenty-first century time travel theories, but they are all so wrong that it's hard to concentrate. When I am called into the kitchen, I run. But when I get there Mommy is smiling and hugging a man I have never seen before, except he came with Daddy's TARDIS. I think he has probably stolen it, but that doesn't make sense since Mommy looks very happy to see the man. She tells me that it is my father, the Doctor, that he has regenerated since we last saw him. She says he is the same man but just looks different. This makes me confused. He squats down to level his eyes with mine and says hello how are you Ariadne and I know from his voice that he really is Daddy. I give him a big hug and he picks me up and swings me around, and it feels like my stomach has jumped around. He tells me that he missed me very much and I say I missed him too, since it has been almost a half a year since me and Mommy travelled with him. I think he is taking us with him for good this time, because he told us he would next time, he promised._

My head hurt, and I called for River. I could feel the new memory in my mind, throbbing like another heartbeat. I barely understood it, which was a very disconcerting feeling. I knew what regeneration was, knew that even I was capable of it, but I had never seen the Doctor as anyone other than the silly wise old man that he was. However, something in me made me feel that that memory was something best shared with River first, since she was the one who told me just how dicey timelines could get with timelords who can live for hundreds of years.

She rushed in and, noticing me clutching my head, immediately knew I had a new memory come. "What did you see, love?" She sat next to me, rubbing my back as I massaged my temples.

"I was really young," I started, closing my eyes to focus on the fresh memory. "You were making dinner and the Doctor came with the TARDIS. But it wasn't the Doctor, it was him with a new body, he had regenerated." I opened my eyes, shaking my head to clear it. "What does it mean?"

River smiled dryly. "Of all the things you could remember, it really would be that one," she sighed. "Listen, I can't tell you right now, not with him in the next room because he's going to come in any minute and it will take me a while to explain. So, I'm sorry, but I'll have to explain later. You are not to tell the Doctor of this, understand? It's a big spoiler for him, I'm afraid."

I nodded, interpreting her tone as quite serious. I had crossed into timeline territory, something that River and the Doctor tread very cautiously through, the only subject in which they did not speak freely of. And in that moment, I knew that my past was a lot more complicated than I had expected.


End file.
